Screwed my sleep schedule again
It's after 3am and I can't sleep, not after taking a 5-hour nap this evening. Gotta be up by 10am and tomorrow's going to be a long day of having the car looked at, a meeting with the nonprofit, and then finishing watching a movie with a galpal. She's not too much into the sort of things I dig, so we found a film we both happen to like: Friends With Money. She's bringing wine so hopefully I'll crash out at a more reasonable hour tomorrow.
Just not feeling too hot the past couple of days. Not sure why. I feel so slow and sluggish but did hit the gym this afternoon. Don't have much of an appetite today either. Weird.
Not sure what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Going back to school means accruing more student loans, which is kinda scary, and writing on demand takes a lot out of a person. Tough to muster up the gumption to return to that so soon. Not sure what lies on the horizon, especially job-wise. Not feeling or behaving like much of an escort these days, preferring simply to be myself and attract those who dig it. That's working out pretty well and I can't complain much...just never know how long any of it will last.
In the past, I assumed I'd eventually remarry or at least settle down with someone long-term and share the bills and home upkeep, but that's starting to look less likely. Maybe someday, but not soon. Not really looking to date right now, but perhaps I'm spending a bit too much time alone. Oh, it's nice being in the refuge of this apartment, alone, with no one to bitch and fuss about where I'm going or who I'm talking to. In a romantic relationship with a man, the double-standards tend to be glaring and I just can't stomach it anymore. Men make great friends and pals and drinking buddies, but their suitability for long-term commitments tends to leave much to be desired. So, maybe in that regard men aren't right for me. Maybe I ought to meet more women in keeping my options open.
It's not that I don't like men (or do like slinging generalizations) - we tend to be cool as friends and playmates. But respect matters and for the life of me I can't understand why so many of them lack it. 'Course women tend to lack it too. Hell, people lack respect. Most trying to get one over on someone else. Young men now expecting girls to treat THEM to dinner and pay their cellphone bill. Ridiculous shit. Men say they're tired of being treated like ATMs and women complain about being sexually objectified. Seems all we do anymore is look at one another in terms of utility - what can he or she do for ME? It's all about "me" getting the greatest rewards with the least amount of effort expended.
Doesn't sound like any way to start off a caring, mutual relationship, though funny enough it works much more smoothly in our "hobby" than in the regular civie dating community. 'Course it should - one side is paid here. But if this is where men are catered to and in normal civie society men expect to be catered to as well, then where does a woman turn for her own soft spot to relax and be herself? Doesn't seem we have a designated place to turn for comfort and intimacy. Where do women recharge their batteries? No, shopping doesn't help, nor does eating. We turn to our girlfriends.
Maybe that's what I need, a local girlfriend. I have a couple close female friends who go way back but they live in other states. Got a number of female acquaintances, some here in town, a couple I actually hang out with, but they're so obsessed with meeting men that our time together tends to revolve around that. Luckily, one's tiring of the barscene and is open to quiet evenings spent in watching a film or dining out. She's not really my type in that way though, nor is the other. Sweet, good-hearted women pull at my heartstrings and those two have a bit more spunk than I can handle.
'Course I've only dated men, never having branched out before now, not for a lack of interest so much as having my hands full enough already. The past couple of years I've made a concerted effort to stay out of relationships, succumbing to a couple flings here and there that left a bad taste in my mouth. Made the mistake of personally dating a freshly-divorced hobbyist back in 2007 and that pretty much sealed the deal and ruined me on romance. Before that I dated what turned out to be a complete psycho in Omaha. Just not having much luck with men in my personal life...
What would it take for a man and I to work it out? Probably a lot more than either of us has to give at this juncture. I don't wish to give up my clients as they are very dear to me and have proven loyal over the years, much more so than any man in my personal life, that's for certain. They really have been tremendous in demonstrating what proper treatment feels like, spoiling me enough to where I expect the same sort of courtesies from men in my personal life. And yet, that appears too much to ask. I'm not talking gifts and trinkets here, but genuine friendliness and good-natured courtesy. That isn't too much to ask from anyone wishing to pursue sex with me (or anyone else for that matter), and yet you'd think I'd broken out in foreign tongues explaining to guys that I'd prefer to be courted slowly. A relic of the past, so it seems.
Jumping into bed right away holds little appeal anymore in my personal dating life, having done it enough to know. It's nice taking the time to get to know one another, whether that be clients or anyone else. Helps make everything flow more smoothly.
Maybe the job aspect creates a conflict in interest precisely because it does enhance my dating expectations. But why shouldn't it? Have I learned nothing these last 6 years? The reason I stay has a lot to do with that reason, and because the lovin' is good. ;) My involvement here has morphed to take into greater account my own desires and comfort. Still say it's my jerry-rigged attempt at a polyandrous arrangement. *hehe* Dreamed about having one since high school... :)
If it weren't for my clients, I might be at the mercy of the regular dating scene or resigned to celibacy. Ick. My appeal toward the dating scene now is about chatting with women, which I have embarked on recently. Doesn't matter that you post an ad to meet women, men still contact you. Isn't that funny? One even demanded to know why I'm limiting myself to meeting women, right off the bat trying to argue with me, as if I owe an explanation. *hehe* Weirdo. Told him that too. No explanation is needed. I'm simply curious. It all boils down to individual people, regardless of gender. Some call that bisexual, but I've never felt comfortable with that or any other label including hetero. When they ask for sexual preference, I wish "Other" or "Unknown" were an option. :P Why must we choose? Maybe I don't have any preference at all. Maybe I'm more concerned with whether he or she is good-hearted, comfortably compatible, endearing, and employed. ha!
A companion of my own to spoil and cook for, who spoils and cooks for me too. A girl can dream... :)
I do have friends to cook for and clients to spoil me, so perhaps this is as green as it gets. Which is fine...until I age out of the "hobby." Then what? What if I get bored? Can't risk waiting for that when avenues remain unexplored. Might make a few pals out of it, if nothing else.
Maybe it's because things have become so competitive between men and women that we're experiencing so much friction in our romances. That's sad but I don't know how to fix it. My nature screams a challenge at guys, and I'm tired of feeling like I have to defend myself. Truly, I come in peace. Leave the condescension at the door. Just because a girl is a little nerdy doesn't mean she should have to prove herself up against every guy's insecurities, right? Totally blows. It really doesn't make a fuck to me which of us is smarter or more clever, so long as we get along. Women get testy with me too, so maybe they mistake me as being condescending toward them. That's not my intention, just as I'm sure it isn't a lot guys' intentions either. Just gets really old. That competitive mindset does little for me, as much as it entertains others. And they can keep the sarcastic wit - it usually goes over my head.
Greater simplicity, that's what I wish for. Life's pretty calm right now, which is a blessing. Anytime you put two people together, you risk drama, and that's okay so long as it's reasonable. It's not the drama I fear but the senseless abuse and neglect that too often accompanies relationships. Whether it be emotional, verbal or what have you, it's for the birds.
Who knows what life will bring? Just gotta be open to receive whatever it turns out to be and put myself out there to increase the chances of meeting people with shared interests. Millions of people up in this joint, so I don't worry, just like to wonder. A hopeless romantic at heart, I'd just like to save it up for someone special and not get bogged down with the riff-raff along the way. Money isn't my major concern, but quality of living is.
I'll try lying down now.