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*News Of The Weird*
LEAD STORY
White People in Turmoil:
April Gaede, who four years ago guided her teenage daughters, Lynx and Lamb (performing as "Prussian Blue"), to a brief music career singing neo-Nazi songs, announced a new project recently on the white nationalist Web site Stormfront.org. She offers a no-fee matchmaking service to fertile Aryans, hoping to encourage marriage and baby-making -- to help white people keep up with rapidly procreating minorities. [Southern Poverty Law Center News, 1-25-10]
Don "Moose" Lewis announced plans in January for a 12-city pro basketball league composed only of white players (natural-born U.S. citizens, whose parents are both Caucasian). Lewis denied any "racism," explaining to the Augusta (Ga.) Chronicle that whites simply like "fundamental" basketball and not "street ball" ("flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch"). [Augusta Chronicle, 1-19-10]
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Cultural Diversity
Computer-obsessed Japanese nerds' latest fancy is Love Plus, a Nintendo DS dating simulation that allows them a young, attractive, mouthy, teenage digital "girlfriend" who begs for attention. The touch-screen lover demands hand-holding, kissing and having sweet nothings whispered in her ear. How can men so easily become addicted to such vicarious experiences? Said one reluctant player, "Koh," to the BoingBoing blog,"(It) comes down to the fact that men are simple." (In December, Reuters reported that Japanese player SAL9000 had eloped to the Philippines with his Love Plus girlfriend, had himself photographed with her at romantic sites -- clutching the screen showing her image -- and then took her through a marriage ceremony.) [LiveScience.com, 11-13-09; BoingBoing.net, 10-27-09] [Reuters, 12-20-09]
As vultures approach extinction in South Africa, they grow in value among local "traditional" communities for their magical abilities. Specks of a vulture's brain, sprinkled on mud and smoked, can supposedly ward off evil and bring winning lottery numbers. One Johannesburg vendor told Agence France-Presse in December that the specks even work when daubed on dogs' noses, enabling them to extend their already formidable scenting power. [Agence France-Presse, 12-27-09]
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Latest Religious Messages
A Montana-based sect is fighting to remain viable, six months after the death of its "Mother," the Jesus-channeling Elizabeth Clare Prophet. Several aspirants have tried to claim her mantle, but the sect's council of elders found them all to be charlatans, and membership rolls have dwindled. The church was similarly challenged in 1990, when Mother forecast nuclear doomsday and financed the construction of large underground bunkers on a mountainside north of Yellowstone National Park (which are still available). The council is having trouble, especially, finding volunteers to transcribe the 22,000 hours of video and audio in which Mother set out the justifications for the sect. [Columbia (Mo.) Daily Tribune-AP, 11-6-09]
Televangelist Rod Parsley informed his flock in December that he urgently needed several million dollars because of financial problems attributed directly to Satan. According to a report in the Columbus (Ohio) Dispatch, Parsley's World Harvest Church was facing a $3 million deficit for the quarter ending in December after earlier in the year paying $3.1 million to settle a lawsuit over its day-care center's having too brutally spanked a boy. Wrote Parsley, "Will you help me take back what the devil stole?" [Columbus Dispatch, 12-16-09]
Crimestopper: In Frisco, Texas, in January, boutique owner Marian Chadwick, who was about to be robbed at gunpoint by a hooded intruder, pointed her finger at him and said: "In the name of Jesus, you get out of my store. I bind you by the power of the Holy Spirit." The man appeared stunned, then turned and walked out empty-handed, cursing. [Dallas Morning News, 1-14-10]
A 20-year veteran Houston cop who wears badge number 666 told the Houston Chronicle in a December profile that once, 17 years ago, a dangerous perp who had been defiant that he would not be captured suddenly dropped to his knees and surrendered. He had glanced at the badge. Said he, "I ain't fighting the devil." [Houston Chronicle, 12-7-09]
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Questionable Judgments
In Thailand, the endangered status of crocodiles and elephants is largely ignored by the public, who are instead enthralled with the giant pandas and their cub on loan from China. (There is even a 24-hour cable TV "panda channel.") At several of the country's zoos, officials now regularly paint their crocodiles and elephants in panda colors (with harmlessly washable paint) to call attention to their plight. Even though the paint must be reapplied daily, "It's impossible not to do it now," said one croc handler for a December Wall Street Journal dispatch. "People expect it." [Wall Street Journal, 12-5-09]
Only four days after the January earthquake hit Port-au-Prince, two Royal Caribbean cruise ships made a port call at a private enclave about 60 miles up Haiti's coastline from ground zero, turning loose hundreds of frolickers for "jet ski rides, parasailing and rum cocktails delivered to their hammocks," according to a report in London's The Guardian. Haitian guards employed by the cruise line manned the resort's 12-foot-high fences, but about a third of the passengers still declined to leave the ships, too upset by the unfolding disaster nearby to enjoy themselves. Royal Caribbean said it had made a large donation to the rescue effort and promised, also, to send proceeds from the port's thriving craft stores. [The Guardian, 1-17-10]
The Need for Parental Licensing: In January, as punishment for her 12-year-old son's bad grade in school, a Warm Springs, Ga., mother allegedly forced the boy to club his pet hamster to death with a hammer. Lynn Middlebrooks Geter, 38, was arrested after the kid told his teacher, who called the state children's services agency. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 1-22-10]
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Obsessions
Unless Stephen Gough, 50, changes his mind about wearing pants, he risks spending the rest of his life behind bars, according to a January ruling of Scotland's Perth Sheriff Court. Gough, Britain's "naked rambler," is a freelance nudist who for years has roamed the United Kingdom countryside, interrupted by numerous jail stints for violating public decency. He was released from Perth Prison in December after his latest stay, but seconds later shucked his clothes and was re-arrested. (In his most recent trial, Gough acted as his own lawyer and somehow persuaded an overly fair judge to let him be naked in court.) [STV.tv (Edinburgh), 1-12-10]
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Least Competent Criminals
Shane Williams-Allen, 19, was arrested in Tavares, Fla., in January and charged with burglarizing an unmarked police car and stealing several items, including handcuffs and a Taser gun. Eventually, Williams-Allen called the police for help after he accidentally cuffed himself, and officers believe he also accidentally Tasered himself. [Orlando Sentinel, 1-15-10]
Police in Oakland, Calif., called off their manhunt for fleeing home-invasion suspects in January when officers encountered four of the men wedged between two buildings they had tried to squeeze through. [KTVU (Oakland), 1-14-10]
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Recurring Themes
The Whole Truth and Nothing But: Last August, an applicant for the police force in Montgomery, Ala., following directions to be truthful during the job interview, admitted that he owned child pornography. He was of course not hired, but arrested. In January 2010, 170 miles to the south in Pensacola, Fla., another law-enforcement applicant, Clarence Burnette, 25, admitted to owning child pornography -- during his interview to be a sheriff's deputy. He also was not hired, but arrested. (The Montgomery applicant, who also confessed to having sex with an underage girl, is now serving 30 years in prison.) [Press-Register (Mobile), 1-6-10]
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A News of the Weird Classic (October 1999)
The death of a 49-year-old woman in Scotland in September 1999 brought to three the number of no-food, no-water, "breatharian"-diet followers of Australian Ellen Greve who have died of starvation in two years. Greve claims 5,000 disciples, charges over $2,000 (U.S.) per ticket for her seminars, and sells her only-sunlight-and-air philosophy ("liberation from the drudgery of food and drink") to guilty Westerners in part as conferring spirituality on Third World hunger. Nutritionists quoted by The Times of London said, of course, that there is no scientific basis for Greve's teachings. [Edmonton Journal-The Times (London), 9-26-99]
Happy Monday! XOXO
*News Of The Weird*
LEAD STORY
In January, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers confiscated a live, jeweled beetle that a woman was wearing as an "accessory" on her sweater as she crossed into Brownsville, Texas, from Mexico. Blue jewels were glued onto the beetle's back, which had been painted gold, and the mobile brooch was tethered by a gold chain attached to a safety pin. Even though the woman orally "declared" the animal, the beetle was confiscated because she had not completed the bureau's PPQ Form 526, which is necessary to bring insects into the country. Reportedly, such jewelry is not that rare in Mexico. A spokesperson for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals was, of course, appalled. [Brownsville Herald, 1-21-10; The Guardian (London), 1-22-10]
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The Entrepreneurial Spirit
Economic Recovery in Denver: As of early January, at least 390 new Denver businesses had applied for sales-tax licenses as dispensaries for legal (medicinal) marijuana. By comparison, Starbucks coffee shops number 208 in the entire state of Colorado. Among the first cannabis-centered businesses to open, in December, was the Ganja Gourmet on South Broadway, featuring lasagna, pizza, jambalaya, paella, flavored cheesecakes and other delicacies, all "spiced" appropriately for customers with doctors' prescriptions. [KMGH-TV (Denver), 1-5-10] [KCNC-TV (Denver), 12-9-09]
Jeweler Colin Burn, of Broome, Australia, announced in October at the Asia Adult Expo in Macau that he will make the world's most expensive "personal vibrator," in 10 limited editions, out of smooth platinum, each with 1,500 white diamonds. He said he planned to shoot for a price of $1 million (U.S.) and noted that he currently offers a similar sex toy with only 450 diamonds (but with a handle made of rare conkerberry wood) that he sells for $38,000. [Forbes, 12-10-09]
Professor Yevgeny Moskalev of Russia's St. Petersburg Technological University announced in November that he had perfected a somewhat-useful powdered version of Russia's favorite drink (vodka). However, after much experimentation, he had found that the only way to preserve the alcohol was by mixing the liquid vodka into a special wax and letting it harden. According to a November report in the English language version of Pravda, the resulting shaved chips could then be flavored to counteract the wax's insipidness, and might be used for cooking or medicine. "Instant vodka" mix for straight drinking does not appear to be in professor Moskalev's plans. [Pravda, 11-27-09]
In 2008, Sweden, one of only seven countries with embassies in North Korea, began trying to coax that country into the global economy by encouraging the manufacture of jeans, which Sweden in turn would arrange for sale in high-end stores. After a series of awkward missteps (e.g., a textile manufacturer, unfamiliar with the concept of "jeans," said no, but the director of a mining company decided to accept the project), 1,100 pairs were finally shipped and priced at the equivalent of about $215 a pair, according to a December Reuters dispatch from Stockholm. (The "NoKo" jeans were initially given shelf space in at least one store, but now are offered only on the store's Web site.) [Reuters. 12-1-09]
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Leading Economic Indicators
After the New York Post reported in December on the 175-square-foot Manhattan apartment recently purchased by Christopher Prokop and his wife (for $150,000, with $800 monthly in maintenance fees), residents of even smaller Manhattan digs told the Post they were unimpressed. For instance, Felice Cohen, 39, rents a 90-square-foot apartment ($700) with a loft bed, but admits that she must sit sideways on the toilet. Freelance event-planner Eddie Rabon rents a 55-square-foot palace for $800 a month (closer to midtown than Cohen's). He can almost touch both side walls simultaneously and cannot easily turn around while showering. Commented the residents, respectively: "We love it," "I love it," and "It's fantastic." [New York Post, 12-6-09, 12-13-09]
He's a man of distinction, but that is of little comfort in the tight economy. Actor Jonah Falcon, 39, is out of work and living once again with his parents in New York City, according to a January report on AOL News. A 1999 HBO documentary touted Falcon as possessor of the world's longest penis (13 1/2 inches, aroused). He has appeared in mainstream film and TV roles ("Law and Order," "Melrose Place," "The Sopranos"), but has refused to do pornography. "If I did porn, nobody would take me seriously." However, he added, "I wouldn't be opposed to doing a nude scene (in a mainstream film) if I got the right part." [AOL News, 1-1-10]
The recent Christmas bonus season was rough at the RF Brookes pizza-ingredient factory in Wigston, England. Workers received only gift containers of pudding ("plum duffs") with a use-by date of March 2009, but accompanied by a letter from management assuring them that food technicians had certified the product as safe to eat in January 2010. (After numerous employee complaints, the company apologized and offered fresh plum duffs.) [Leicester Mercury, 12-24-09]
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Slut Birds
A team of researchers led by a University of Connecticut professor, writing recently in the ornithology journal The Auk, declared the local saltmarsh sparrow to be America's most promiscuous bird, in that 95 percent of the females hook up with more than one male during a mating season. The likelihood that any two chicks in a nest had the same father was only 23 percent, and in one-third of the nests, all chicks had different fathers. The researchers hypothesized that the frequent flooding of Connecticut's marshes destroys so many nests that non-choosy females have gained evolutionary advantage. (A wren in Australia and a parrot in Madagascar are said to be comparably promiscuous.) [BBC News, 1-22-10]
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Least Competent Deer
A seven-point buck was found dead in Viroqua, Wis., in November, apparently after losing a head-butting contest with a cement-statue buck. Ramming contests are common during mating season, and the cement buck was about the same size as the dead one (but weighs about three times as much). [La Crosse Tribune, 11-10-09]
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Least Competent Criminals
Two partners in crime were sentenced to four years in jail between them by England's Manchester Crown Court in December. Ali Abdullah, 28, and Muqtar Nuren, 22, had offered to take driver's license tests for people (both driving test and written test), but on contingency payment only for passing. Between them, they had 35 clients, took 43 tests and failed 33 (passing only seven driving tests and three written). Although they did not charge for their failures, it is of course illegal to take a driver's license test for another person. [Lancashire Evening Post, 12-16-09]
Recurring Themes: Brandon Stepp, 27, and two companions were arrested in Parkersburg, W.Va., in December after they became the most recent alleged drug runners to hide their marijuana unsuccessfully in their car's engine compartment. (The engine got hot; the dope caught fire.) [News & Sentinel (Parkersburg), 12-8-09]
A man fled without money from a Taco Bell in Haverstraw, N.Y., in October after being the most recent robber to conduct his transactions out of order. He first announced the robbery, but before the cashier could gather money for him, he asked the store manager for a job application. When the manager refused, the man walked out, empty-handed. [Journal News (White Plains, N.Y.), 10-27-09]
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A News of the Weird Classic (January 1999)
The French performance artist Orlan made News of the Weird in 1993 when she underwent surgery in a New York City art gallery as part of a multiple-surgery transformation of her face according to five icons of Renaissance and post-Renaissance beauty (at that time, implanting small horns to simulate the bumpy forehead of Mona Lisa). During a Chicago show in December 1998, Orlan raised money for further operations by selling posters and videos of her surgeries and digitally enhanced portraits of her face incorporating features that ancient Mayans had found attractive but which are ugly in this society (huge noses, crossed-eyes). She also sold souvenir tubes of her liposuctioned fat. [Chicago Tribune, 12-4-98]
Happy, Happy Monday! Enjoy your day! XOXO
*Helping Hand Story*
At first she thought she was dreaming.
Cara had been dreaming a lot lately, dreams of hot steamy sex. Perhaps it had been all the stress and excitement of moving to Australia – they say that dreams can sometimes be a form of stress release. In this dream she was on her way to Perth, the long haul flight half way to its destination. The cabin lights were out and almost all the passengers of the half full plane were sleeping. The only sounds were the gentle drone of the engines and the intermittent snores. One of those snoring was her husband Mike, who sat to her right with his blanket pulled up to his chin. To the right of him lay their two month old baby daughter fast asleep in her special cradle. To the left of Cara was a businessman is his early forties. Earlier they had chatted over dinner and he had told her that he was an advertising executive for a bank and was on his way to Singapore to take up a new post. He was tall and handsome and that glint in his eye told her that he was interested in her.
In her dream she had fallen asleep and his hand had slipped under her blanket to fondle her through her slacks. At first his touch was light as his fingers traced the outline of her vagina and then they began to press into her opening. She found herself instinctively parting her legs to allow his fingers greater access and he responded by pressing harder against her. She could feel her cotton panties touching her warm moist flesh as his fingers began rubbing her rhythmically. It wasn’t long before she found herself responding to his movements by pushing her mound against his hand. She also found herself softly moaning.
When his hand moved to the top button of her slacks she found herself pulling her stomach muscles in to allow him access and it was then that she realised that this wasn’t a dream. She opened her eyes as the button popped open. Everything was real; the cabin dimly lit; the sleeping passengers; her sleeping husband and baby; everything, it was all for real. So was the warm hand that was slipping inside the waistband of her panties. Suddenly he spoke. “Relax,” he whispered.
His fingers made contact with her pussy lips. A stranger’s fingers were touching her intimately; probing her; violating her, as her husband slept next to her. She knew that she should cry out; she knew that she should be pushing his hand away but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She was sexually aroused and instead she found herself stroking his hand under the blanket, giving him that signal of approval. He responded by slipping two fingers deep inside her.
Cara groaned softly as she felt her wetness rush to meet his thrusting. It had been years since another man had touched her so intimately. In fact it had taken almost two months of dating before she had let Mike get his hand inside her pants. But this man, this stranger whom she had known for just a few hours, was masturbating her. She pulled the blankets to her mouth and began biting on her fingers to stop herself from crying out in ecstasy as she felt herself starting to orgasm. It was also difficult stopping herself from thrusting against him. Cara was not only very vocal when she was cumming she was also very active. She was never one to just lie back silent and still.
With his fingers thrust harder and faster inside her and the palm of his hand pressed against her clitoris she was screaming inside. When her climax finally came it was a relief, not just as a release from sexual tension, but also as a release from agony of holding back. She could not have held out any longer and her fingers were very painful from the biting.
For a few minutes, after his hand was withdrawn, she sat back breathing heavily as she recovered and regained her composure. It was only when she fastened her slacks up that she turned and looked at him. He smiled as she mouthed a ‘thank you’ to him before leaving for the toilet to freshen up. As she opened the door after finishing she suddenly found him standing there and before she knew it the door had closed behind them. They stood facing each other for a few moments, as if waiting to see what each other’s reaction would be, then he moved forward to kiss her. She didn’t want to take it any further, for her full sex was out of the question but she knew that he was aroused and she felt she owed him a debt of gratitude. Gently pushing him back she reached down for his belt.
He was quick to realize that this was as far as she wanted to take it and so he stood back and allowed her to loosen his pants and take down his underwear. Cara was surprised at his size. It was bigger than Mike’s and under different circumstances she might well have been tempted to let him fuck her, but now was not the time or place. As she gripped his shaft and began moving her hand backwards and forwards she thought back to her teen days when she used to masturbate her boyfriends in the earlier stages of her relationships. She had never been one to fuck on her first date and would spend weeks getting to know her boyfriends intimately before having full sex with them. Some would never last the course but those that stayed the distance used to compliment her on her hand jobs. Cara loved to look at their faces as they became more and more aroused. The grimaces and facial contortions as they approached their climaxes excited her. It was almost as if they were in agony and in the throes of some tortuous event. Then would follow the sighs and the moans, followed by the groans, that grew louder and louder to a crescendo as they climaxed.
This stranger was no exception. She looked up at him as he leaned back against the sink, eyes closed, face distorted and groaning softly as her hand moved backwards and forwards. She could tell from the droplets of pre-cum forming on his large purple tip that he was already very aroused.
“Bet you’d like to fuck me wouldn’t you?” she whispered teasingly, as her hand strokes increased.
“Ooooh yes,” he groaned.
“Bet you would like to have this thick cock inside me wouldn’t you?”
“Pleasssssssssssssse,” he begged.
“Bet you’d like to stretch my tight pussy wouldn’t you?” she teased again.
“Aaaaaaargh yessss,” he moaned.
“Bet you’d like to fill my pussy with your cum wouldn’t you?” she said as felt his cock jerk.
“Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss,” he cried as started to come.
Cara smiled as his cock began pumping out his hot cum. “That’s good,” she said as she started to slow down her hand movements. “Come on, let’s have every little last drop!” she said as he groaned uncontrollably.
For a few moments she held on to him as he gathered his composure and the last droplets of his cum trickled from his cock. Then she reached for the tissues and wiped his cock and her hand. As she reached for the tap to wash her hands he leaned over and kissed her. “Fuck, I needed that. Thank you,” he sighed. Cara said nothing and just smiled as she tossed the paper towel into the waste bin before quickly slipping out of the door and going back to her seat to snuggle up to her husband.
A few hours they had touched down at Singapore airport for a short stop over. As she reached up to help Mike retrieve their belongings from the overhead lockers the stranger reached forward. “Here let me help you,” he said.
Cara smiled and Mike thanked him. “It’s my pleasure,” he replied. “I always like to give a helping hand!”
-AWB
Have a Lusty Weekend Everyone! XOXO
*Song Of The Day*
I know it is a little late in the day but what can I say...
Are you gonna take me home tonight
Ah down beside that red firelight
Are you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls
You make the rockin' world go round
Hey
I was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
But I knew love before I left my nursery, huh
Left alone with big fat fanny
She was such a naughty nanny
Heap big woman you made a bad boy out of me
Hey hey!
I've been singing with my band
Across the wire across the land
I seen every blue eyed floozy on the way, hey
But their beauty and their style
Went kind of smooth after a while
Take me to them dirty ladies every time
C'mon
Oh wont you take me home tonight?
Oh down beside that red firelight
Oh and you give it all you got
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
Hey listen here
I've got mortgages and homes
I got stiffness in my bones
Ain't no beauty queens in this locality (I tell you)
Oh but I still get my pleasure
Still got my greatest treasure
Hey big woman you gonna make a big man of me
Now get this
Oh (I know) you gonna take me home tonight (please)
Oh down beside that red firelight
Oh you gonna let it all hang out
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
Yeah
Fat bottomed girls you make the rockin' world go round
Get on your bikes and ride
Oooh yeah, alright, them fat bottomed girls
Fat bottomed girls
Yeah yeah yeah alright, hey, c'mon
Fat bottomed girls
Yes yes
-Fat Bottomed Girls
Queen
Hope that everyone had a Happy Humpday *wink* XOXO
Website: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiUhg17xj0Y
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