The Lonely Time of Mourning
My time in this lifestyle has been such an amazing experience. It has given me some of the greatest lessons in the nature of human beings as well as afforded me opportunities to experience things that I never in a million years would have had a chance to otherwise, for that I am grateful beyond all measure.
The hardest part is dealing with the Death of one of my Dear Gentlemen friends. This lifestyle is so deeply personal yet maintained on such superficial levels for the most part. Yet when you spend time with someone for years on a regular basis it is almost impossible for me not to develope a sense of endearment towards someone I have come to know so intimately.
I do not expose myself to meeting new "clients" very often, choosing instead to invest my time and energy towards those whom I know I will enjoy my time with, that I can feel relaxed and open to. These "relationships" fit my lifestyle quite nicely indeed. It is not like meeting up to administer services, but instead like meeting up with a dear friend or a long lost lover. They fulfill my needs without all the additional obligations, expectations, drama or disappointment that goes with the reality based relationships. For now they are a perfect fit for me.
But how do you mourn someone that you aren't really supposed to feel attachment for. To know that they are gone from this life and no longer will those moments pass between you. How do you explain to the people in your life that you are sad for the loss of that friend. People in your "real life" don't understand it and don't wish to hear about it, just as the majority of your "Hobby Friends" either don't understand, don't give a shit, or just don't want to hear it. It is a lonely time of mourning, that is mostly kept within ones self. A private thought, a sullen sigh, a confused heavy feeling in your chest that makes your breath catch in the back of your throat momentarily.
The sorrow took me by surprise when Rimtrip passed. I have experienced so little death in my life that the loss of him swept the legs right out from under me. The conflicted emotions seemed more than I was willing to bear. I was unsure if I could even return to the hobby afterward. I took far too much time to myself, mourning in my own odd little way. Slowly the air returned to my lungs and I began to breathe again. It was strange coming back out knowing that I would not be hearing from him or sharing time together but as time went by it did get easier. I felt as if I had learned to protect my heart a little better and would no longer allow myself to grow so fond of "A Client". I was sure that I would not allow the wind to be knocked from my soul again. Then we lost our Dear Shooter so suddenly.
His passing came as a shock, as it all seemed to happen so fast. I honestly expected him to pull through it by the time the next party rolled around. Then I got the call that he was gone, and again I felt so much remorse for having not been able to say goodbye, over having not been able to convey how grateful I was for knowing him, how deeply I cared for him and how much light he added to the lives of those of us who knew him. Rather than deal with the loss and allowing it to register and be processed I made the mistake of choosing to ignore it mainly because there is no sensible way to truly mourn such a friendship - or atleast not one that I have come to know as of yet. I threw myself into my many projects and anytime the thought of him came to mind I would give a little smile over those lost moments and push it once again to the darkened corners of my mind.
And then recently my Dear Sweet Marqo lost his long battle with cancer. I literally watched him wither away over the years. I did have a chance to bid him fairwell and express to him how much his friendship meant to me. I had thought if I had had that opportunity with R & S that it would have somehow lessened my sense of loss. I now know that to be complete and total bullshit. I don't feel any better for it at all!
Let me tell you, knowing that the end is coming doesn't make it any easier to digest when it arrives. Death is never a welcome visitor even with an advanced RSVP. Just like Rim and Shooter, I am thankful that they are not suffering anymore but I can not help the selfish side of me that wishes they were still here. Part of me longs to withdraw back into my own little world but through experience I know that to be a futile endeavor. It will not reduce the sadness but only prolong the process. So instead of crying over the loss of future moments I now choose to rejoice in the moments I was given. I will do my best to live my life by Rim's Motto of treating every moment as if it is your last and try to live it all to the fullest. I will not wear my sadness like a shabby dress on the sabbath but instead I shall bask in beauty of the moment in all my naked glory.
If we never meet again, know that you meant something to me. While I may never wish to claim you as my own, nor do I covet the time that we do not share together, the moments that we have shared have enriched my life in so many ways and I am grateful to have shared them with you.