Real men eat pussy.
This is a fact and a standard that I choose to live by. Real men not only eat pussy, but they enjoy it and would have that shit for all three meals a day if they could. They want to put some icing and a candle on it when it's their birthday because they love it so much. Pussy (specifically my pussy) is the delicious fruit which any man I'm fucking with should want to devour at all times. I bring this up because my friends very recently tried to set me up on a date. They're tired of me being the lonely, single bitch, so they've resorted to playing matchmaker out of pity. Despite my reservations, I decided to trust their judgement and go out for drinks with this mystery man... even in the worst situation, I'd get a few drinks out of the deal, so why the fuck not.
So I show up... he's good looking... tall, dark, handsome... and we're off to a good start. We started talking and going over the boring first meeting basics; What do you do for fun? Favorite music? Where are you from? Blah blah BLAH. This customary chit chat just wasn't doing it for me.
"So, what's one thing you're really good at?" I asked, hoping the conversation would take a slighly more interesting turn.
"Um..., I guess I'm pretty good at football."
Football. Really? Was it not obvious where I was trying to lead this conversation? I was practically shitting out breadcrumbs for this guy. Even so, my perverted question seemed to go over his head so I rephrased it and asked once more.
"Oh, football is cool. But do you have any... you know... hidden talents?"
"Hidden talents? I guess I can draw pretty well."
Now let me state that a large part of why I'm single is because I happen to be a lady who is hardwired like a man; I don't adhere to the "no talking about sex/thinking about sex/having sex on the first date" antiquated rule and I understand that despite the issue being a huge double standard, it can be a bit much. But as per the usual, regardless of my concerted efforts to keep it lady like, the verbal diarrhea had started to spew:
"No, I mean can you eat pussy? Are you any good in bed?"
"Oh, um, well, uh..."
Judging from his stammering, I had made him uncomfortable. Is he a virgin, I thought? Or maybe he's secretly gay and even thinking about a poon poon is enough to cause him such visible discomfort? Whatever the case, I was turned off that this grown ass man was so awkward talking about something as admissible as oral sex.
"Is something wrong?" I asked.
"No, uh, it's just that... I don't do that stuff."
Lawddd Jesus... I was ready to ring my friends necks. These heifers set me up with a virgin? Do they not know who I am?
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were a..."
"No," he interjected, "I'm not a virign. I just don't eat pussy."
And now it was my turn to look confused. Was I hearing this correctly?
"I just don't do that stuff, " he explained, "I'm black."
Yes, Wesley Snipes, I'm aware that you're black, but what the fuck does that have to do with the price of tea in China and you feasting on my pikachu? Everyone knows that Lil Wayne made it cool for brothas to eat the snatch, so that reason was about as invalid as they come. And secondly, I'm pretty sure that he would have no objections to me doing "that stuff" to his peen, but I'm not supposed to expect anything in return? No, boo boo, it just doesn't work that way.
Shortly after his disclosure regarding his stance on oral sex, I found an excuse to bail. The chemistry wasn't really there to begin with, but even if it had been, no oral is a deal breaker for me. I need a poonasaurus. A vagitarian. That's what I need. The ironic thing is that it's very difficult for me to reach orgasm solely from oral sex, but there is just something that's a huge turn off about a man who refuses to orally satisfy his woman, yet expects it to be done to him.
It's 2011, guys. Wake up and smell the pussy. And then lick it.